Almost a week ago, an old friend of mine took his life. It wasn’t anything anyone saw coming. It wasn’t a news I expected to see when I opened Facebook after two days. Of all people I know and have known, it seemed to me, that he may be one of the last ones I’d expect to lose this way. Never mind his love of sports, his clearly rebellious nature. The funny grin & or the jovial nature that defined him. In my mind, he just couldn’t do it..!!
He is not the first friend I have lost in 2013. All of them were so young, so full of life. It is never easy as death of any kind of someone you care for, never truly is easy to accept, no matter what the circumstances are. Without going into detail, I wanted to post about it, because honestly, it has been a hard week trying to cope.
We were not always in touch. It was more of a few conversations once in a couple of few months. But when ever we spoke it never seemed as if there were any gaps in communication. I knew him my entire life. I knew him since I was 3!! We started Pre-school together and went all the way to 4th grade till we changed schools.
Sitting with him in the preschool classroom waiting for our mums to come pic us up is one of my first memories. The last we spoke he seemed cheerful. We had finally decided to meet up for the first time after grade 4th. We were some how in touch through messages on social network sites that it did not seem that we had not met in such a long. It is some how so cheerful to know that your childhood friends are doing well and I was happy for him for I knew that he was doing well all these years or at-least I thought that he was doing great.
He was a strong and gentle soul.. He was not a big part of my life. But a memory, a sweet memory from my childhood.. It did not matter that we are not constantly talking but the thought of him being “alive” and “happy” somewhere on this planet made me content.
The news of him taking his own life shook me so hard that I could not sleep for two days.. the grief was so much that I wept and cried like a little girl who has lost everything. Once the grief subsided a little, it just made me think about my own life. I never considered my life important to anyone other than probably my parents and my kid sister. But then assumed that they would get over my loss with some time and difficulty. because time heals every thing right?? and I was never the best of daughters or the best sibling any one could have. But I never realized that me not being around can bring a little of sadness in other people’s lives too, people whom I have not met or spoken to in years, just the way his death shook me.
I don’t accept deaths so well. My dear uncle died two years ago, still sometimes when I think of him, its hard for me to imagine that he is no more. When I speak to his widow I sometimes worry that I will end up asking her how he is doing without remembering or realizing that he is not around any more. I am yet to fully accept the loss.. similarly I find it hard to imagine that this old friend of mine is not alive any more..and all that he has left for us is a lot of the “why’s” and “what-ifs”.
People say that time is the biggest healer may be its true. Or may be the void may never be filled. None the less it’s also true that life goes on no matter what. I am not a good story-teller or writer that I could write down every thing I remember of them and as the years pass by, as new memories are made the old ones will fade away, eventually. The memories of this friend and my uncle and many other people whom I have lost to death would slowly fade as we do not have them around constantly reminding of us of the good times we shared. But forgetting them completely also seems highly impossible. Only time will show me what is going to happen. Only then will I know how true the saying is, when they say that people live in our hearts, always and for ever.